Marta Abrantes
Lisbon, Portugal

My own adolescence still dwells within me, a submerged tide that mostly ripples calmly, but at other times unleashes heavy storms. I remember what I lived through, or swear “never again” with a lingering shame, yet I cannot deny the marks that are indelibly engraved inside me.

As a child and adolescent psychiatry resident, I see teenagers every day. I watch them with attentive eyes that seek what lies beneath the surface. I feel their stories echo and resonate within me. Inevitably, I end up revisiting my own adolescent experiences. I see myself reflected in their depression or anxiety. I feel the impulse to impose limits when they are defiant. I sense anger rising up when a teenager reminds me of a school enemy, or even of a family member.

To feel my own feelings and to let in those of my patients, and then release them, has become the best approach for my patients and for myself. Although I appear calm and composed, internally I experience a complex array of emotions. I must treat the patient based on what they bring to me, while ensuring they are not affected by unresolved issues of my own that may surface.

I used to think one could treat children and adolescents without feeling their pain, their joys, or their anger; I was mistaken. And if I ever thought I had already weathered my own stormy cape—that I was now fully grown and certain of what I know—I was even more profoundly deluded.

Adolescence is a period marked by turbulence: a house in constant change, a tropical climate with unexpected rainstorms. Psychiatrists sometimes forget this, envisioning ourselves as standing on the calm shore of wisdom and adulthood. This is perhaps the biggest lie of all.

I am discovering that knowing how to establish continuity and parallels between my own life story and my clinical practice has immeasurable value. As a former adolescent, I realize the challenges teens face are much like those I have encountered and still experience; my own adolescent struggles were just as daunting as theirs.

My work with adolescents is a constant nautical apprenticeship: I am always learning how to navigate treatments, families, and, above all, relationships. If I need to unlock old, neglected parts of myself, I am willing to do it. I will make use of who I am and who I was because taking a few steps into my past is what allows me to step right back into the present and future.